My friend passed away a few weeks ago. This is her, over the last 20 years. She was truly a crazy, fun, unexpectedly random, awesome person. She made life seem so fun and exciting. Beth Marie Stenmark was someone that captured my heart and a little bit of my soul the moment she came into my life like a crashing, burning giant burst of energy. I was in love with her for many, many years and later, as we grew and moved onto our separate life styles, I remained in love with her. She had a way of expressing herself to me that no-one has ever done before or since. I felt so comfortable with her. We would never last more that a few years and that was fine, our last conversation was very angry and then peaceful. She laid into me and gave me a ration of shit for breaking her heart and then we mutually agreed that we loved each other with all our hearts and only want the best for each other. I ended my very last conversation with her, 3 months before her untimely death, with the words: "I love you so much, I will always love you"... She told me the same thing. Of course, she called me right back to say a couple of things she had forgotten to say and then, "I love you". It's going to be ok, I'm going to be ok, and wherever she is, she is ok. Beth, I miss you so much. We didn't talk often over the last few years but I will miss you anyway. Knowing that I will never see her again in the way I've seen her is so heartbreaking. Knowing that I will never hear her laugh or talk shit to me, never get a random, out of the blue text message or never hear her say "word up, happy fourth", breaks my heart. But I do know that her death has made me take a look at my own life, it's made me want to publish my poetry and live my life to the fullest. Her death has made me realize that although I don't live my life at all the way she lived hers, I need to appreciate what I've got and I can't take things for granted.
I can't write much more because my emotions are still so raw from this unexpected passing of this crazy bitch but I will post a poem or two that were written about her 23 years ago and ironically on the same date that I found out about her death. I have a lot of poems about Beth but these were clustered together and written during a time in our lives where we were very happy together.
She will always be my wiener girl and my "guardian angel" and I will cherish our love and our friendship and the time we got to have together.
Beth, I love you, thank you for loving me unconditionally the way you always have.
yours,
Angie
Where shall I take you
I feel like I’m watching a child grow old
Sometimes I just sit and stare
Sometimes I get mad
Not mad just frustrated
As I watch you turn
Gently at first
But quick as a cat
Smart like a wild rabbit
Stop to watch.
Fear of the world
Maybe I’m the hunter
I’m not a very good one.
Maybe you’re
the hunter
Or just a sympathetic daydreamer
Look at our existence
Grip me with a curled smile
I’m not the one that’s taking you
You are
But I don’t mind
I’ve grown old watching you develop
I’d do it again
You deserve great
You’ve got good
But not enough
Never enough
I’ll keep trying
6/13/90
I almost like this lifestyle
I said almost damn it
Maybe it’ll never be like yesterday
Maybe it will.
I refuse to answer that question
I refuse to face some truths
I have the right to do that
I can be confused, disillusioned, alone, scared.
I can cry over you
Or I can laugh about this
I choose to ignore it all
I’m the best in the world
I wish I could read your mind
I’d like to know what memories you’ve got stored
Good and bad
What you can sum this up as
And I’d like to know what you think will happen
Scare me
6/13/90
I’ll always love her
I used to fear
I sometimes do
But I’ll always hold this feeling
I’ll never change
I don’t want to
I’ll always love this girl
She’ll always be mine
That won’t change
It cant
I won’t let it die
I’ll die first
6/13/90
